Why Won’t Someone Caught Cheating Admit to It? I’ll Tell You Why They Lie and How to Proceed

September 24, 2016


The other day, I received an email from a women who told me a long story about how she came to suspect (and to “absolutely know” in her words) that her husband had been cheating.  To make a long story short, she said that one day her husband had been ‘working late” and she was at home doing chores.  About an hour before she expected her husband home, a woman called and asked this wife if she was “happy in her marriage.”  The wife was stunned and demanded to know who this person was.  The woman responded with something like: “what if I told you that he’s on his way home to you right now, but has been in a hotel all night with me?”

Of course, the wife was extremely upset.  And of course, she confronted her husband the second he got home.  The husband just looked at her funny and told her that some “psycho must be playing a trick on you” or “is trying to cause trouble.”  Of course, it didn’t make any sense to the wife why a perfect stranger would chose to call her home and she was bothered by and very upset by this call, but as the days went by and she didn’t hear anything more, she tried to put this out of her mind.

Everything seemed normal for a couple of months after this. Until one day, when the husband “worked late” again, the same woman called back.  She again told the wife that she’d been with her husband.  This time, the wife had taken the time to think it through and demanded to know what her husband was wearing.  Because if this woman were really someone who was just trying to cause trouble, she would probably just say jeans and a tee shirt when in fact her husband had been wearing black nylon warm up pants.  Well, guess what? The woman in the alleged hotel described the husband’s attire very specifically and correctly. 

Now the wife knew that something was definitely up. She confronted her husband with more demands for answers, refusing to be ignored this time.  Finally, the husband admitted that he had been “talking” to this woman, but that she had developed sort of an obsession with him and that because the husband refused to cheat and “take it to the next level” this woman set out to destroy the husband’s life.  This story still seemed silly to the wife.  She asked her husband just how stupid he thought that she was.  Still though, the husband kept right on denying things with a completely straight face.

The next day, the wife tried to call the woman back using caller ID, but of course, the woman would not pick up the phone.  The wife asked me how she should proceed because she knew that this story was very fishy and she felt strongly that her husband was probably cheating, but she also knew that he had demonstrated that he wasn’t likely to come out and admit it any time soon.

I told the wife that she needed to get more black and white information.  She could not rely on the woman because the husband was always going to say that the woman was vengeful or crazy.  I told her to do a reverse look up on the cell phone number to find out who this woman was and where she lived.  I also told her where to search to see if you could find out more about this person. She wanted details like this person’s age, where she worked, criminal history, etc.  I did not want her to confront this person, again because I felt the woman would only tell the wife her own version of the story.  But, I did want for her to have as much information as she could.

Next, I had the wife place software on the computers and on the phones.  This showed her the exact print outs of all emails and texts.  At this point, she was able to see (and to print out) that her husband was very much a willing participant in all of this and that according to his emails and texts, he did not think that this woman as “psycho” or in any way undesirable or crazy. He was very much involved with this woman.

I did not hear back from the wife from that point. She was going to present the evidence to her husband and go from there.  However, if the husband still denied cheating (which would be pretty brave since she had proof in black and white) I told her that the other alternative would be to have him followed to the woman’s address the next time he is “working late” to catch him in the act.  Or, she could place a GPS on his car to see where they were when they were together. However, I find that these confrontations usually turn out badly.  In truth, she already had all of the information.  Getting him to admit it or catching him in the act would feel like a victory, of course.  But, she already had the information without needing to go that far and experiencing what would probably be a very painful confrontation.

So why wouldn’t the husband just admit it? Many do not.  The reasons vary, but usually lying has just become a way of life for them.  And, they have already taken the trouble to live a double life and be deceptive, so why would they suddenly change course and start telling the truth? They are cheating because they want the best of both worlds, so they aren’t likely to allow this to come to an end until it absolutely has to and they don’t want to face the consequences of their actions so they will do everything in their power to keep the deception going.  Plus, admitting the truth once means they will have to expose the string of lies that they have been telling this whole time.

I was in this same situation a short time ago. I tried to confront my husband too soon, before I had proof, and of course he denied everything. I tried to believe him, but the doubts remained. I decided that I really wanted to know the truth, no matter what that truth was. I learned how to get concrete information and proof that my husband thought that he had hid and erased. Once I presented this to him, he had no choice but to come clean. You can read my very personal story at http://catch-the-cheating.com/

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